The certainty and the thought

It is as it ever was, hard but now getting just harder and harder not to face it and embrace it. I feel stupid everytime I deny something I know and others know to be true. It’s the feeling, the moments, the looks, the songs, the smiles, the stupid things, the moments I can’t think of anything else, the hopes that I shouldn’t have, the dreams that I shouldn’t dream, the wills that take power over me and make me and to do something, anything to have you.

And I know that the most likely outcome isn’t favorable. I know that I’m probably not what you’re looking for. I wish I didn’t feel like this but just your sheer presence doesn’t make it any easier for me. And there’s nothing either you or I can do to change this. It’s just there and it’ll be there. The feeling, the will. To do something  I morally shouldn’t. To have you.

Because you’re just so perfect to my standards without even knowing it, you just say all I could want to hear. It all fits perfectly with all that I wanted. It is so stupidly perfect that it is upsetting in its unreachability.

I’m running after something I might never have but I’m not running away.

 

“She’s so hard, I’m so hard”

 

(Já lá vão dois anos que numa noite de Natal aborrecida criei este blog do alto do meu aborrecimento. Já muito se passou, eu já mudei muito mas a verdade é que no fundo ainda sou a mesma. E tudo o que senti, com mais ou menos melhorias, continua a surgir repetidamente como num círculo, mudando apenas as pessoas que entram no mesmo.)

Never forget

I will never be able to forget every moment spent with you, every word exchanged. In the back of my mind, there will always be the times I spent endless minutes watching you sleep, unaware of my attention, unaware  of everything.

And I surely know I shouldn’t care so much for you like I do, the care that makes me want to make everything easy for you. Above all I admire you, your strength that will always get you where you want to be. You have no idea what an amazing person you are, all your qualities pass you by but I can see them all. As well as your flaws. The truth is that all of these combined are what makes it so hard not to fall in love with you, it’s just so hard not to look at you with such admiration that makes one want to stare in awe.

If you will ever know all of these things and the scary amount of others that I keep inside and don’t tell? I can’t say. Would I ever have your attention? Would you ever take a close look at what happens just in front of your eyes, take time to read all the subtle signs that are given away, see past the defenses that I have already confessed to have put up? Would you ever be able to differentiate the truth from the half truths that I tell?

But most of all, would you ever want to see?

 

If this was always in the back of my mind, why couldn’t I ever tell?