First twenty years (lack of inspiration)

It’s complicated when having so many things going on around you, you’re convinced you’re not able to write. It’s frustrating when you try to get inspired and nothing seems useful, you feel like you’re losing your only escape to the world where everything exactly like you want, nothing to make you upset if you don’t want it, just for kicks. No, I’m not running, I’ve quit the whole runaway thing, I’ve never been a runner and I’m sick of bullshit and people who are not worth my time.

I’m not particularly upset, I’m not referring to anyone specifically but I’m just laying down all the things that have bothered me for years, all the stupidity, all the people who think they’re just so much better than me when actually they’re just jealous because I’ve actually manage to survive their critics without becoming one of them. I’ve never wanted to be the popular one, I just wished they fucking left me alone. Yes, I managed to have friends that weren’t like me, they were respected and they got me protected that’s for sure but I didn’t have to kiss any ass to be around them. No, I didn’t drink or smoke just to look cool or fit in; I did it because I felt like doing it. I might have made mistakes but that’s part of the process and if then you were the ones who laughed at me now I’m sitting up here looking at you but not laughing because you’re just not worth it.

I’ve been played around, used to people’s advantage. Maybe I still am, I believe in the goodness of people even if I keep on getting disappointed. Though I always manage to get to know people who respect and love me for who I am. I curse, I still smoke and drink, I’m mean, I can hurt people deeply with just one sentence, I’m harsh, I’m cold, I’m a bitch and yes sometimes I’m heartless, that’s what I got as a result of years of “abuse” and I like it even if most of the times it’s just a sort of shield. I’m lovable, I’m sweet, I’m caring, I’m protective, I’m attentive, I genuinely care about people and I love to live; and nobody can’t take that away from me and from the people who get to see that part of me.

I won’t ever give up. Yes, I keep on being stubborn. And yes, I’ve planned on giving up on many things so far but I didn’t, I’m not a quitter, I couldn’t be even if I wanted. I’m not trying to play victim or show people that I’m much better than them, I’m just telling what’s been like ‘till now, showing what made me who I am. There’s much more to come but the first twenty years are almost over. I am happy: with who I am, the friends I have, the experiences I live, the places I’ve been to, the efforts I make and even the mistakes I make... I don’t know what or who I am but I am me and I’m not changing for anyone.


And this started with lack of inspiration and a song. (High Road – Fort Minor ft John Legend)

To a Knight

If you’ve got the poison I’ve got the remedy
Or so I’ve hear someone say
And if the poison is my negativity
Then your refreshing ideas
Might just be the remedy

You come with your warrior tales
Your ideals of a knight
I’m standing by the reason
And my notions of what’s real
Which you keep on defying
Of which I won’t let go
Maybe there’s a lot you could teach me
But am I willing to learn?

I’m not blind and I can see
You’re not ordinary
And I’m tired of all that’s so common
So usual that it’s dreadful
A novelty, so refreshing that it scares me
Though I won’t run
I’m on a search for discovery

I believe that you keep some innocence
That’ll betray you one day
Innocence that makes you believe
What makes you so trusting
Without reasons to do so?
Have you considered that what comes from me
Is nothing more than deceit and lies
Illusions of a spoiled mind?

That I, as everyone,
Might just be the poisoned apple
That’ll destroy your hopes and contaminate your being?
Why do you trust?
Why do you believe?
How do you feel?
What’s the secret that makes you so complex
And, yet, seemingly so pure?

Tell me more tales of wars
Scenes from your knight’s world
For they make me feel like once before
When I dreamt of days of chivalry
As a runaway princess

Yes, we’re not so different

Things are not always as they seem

This should be an easy theme to talk about. For starters I have this great example, the time I have on my hands currently. It could be seen as something useful, a chance to be productive or even to simple hang out with friends but it actually is giving me the most painful headaches I’ve ever experience. Don’t ask me why but this free time is making me feel quite bad because I don’t have anyone to spend it with.
I mean I have friends but they are quite far right now. You might wonder if I don’t have any friends who live near enough to be with me on a somewhat daily basis, I know I wonder about this myself, and the truth is, no, I don’t have those friends, not anymore. And why? Because they saw things through their perspective, didn’t bother to ask for mine and now I turned out to be this mean and heartless bitch (which is not entirely truth) with whom they do not wish to be. Little they know about each other and the things some of them are capable of doing to one another but I won’t be the one to say it, they’ll see things clearly once they taste and feel the poison.

Changing subjects but sticking with the false appearances theme I now state that I shouldn’t be asked any questions about something I see if it’s not close to me, I’ve recently discovered that my eye sight is really bad and could get me into trouble. Explanation: even though technically my myopia isn’t that bad (only 0.75), when combined with my fertile imagination it imagines faces that aren’t actually real, well, they exist but not in that particular individual. Case in point, Rob J. Coombes, member of Supergrass, a great band that I had the chance to watch play live at Paredes de Coura Festival. No offense to the gentleman but he is not the prettiest of men, as a matter of fact I find him kinda... Well, let’s just be honest, he’s kinda ugly. The thing is, I only found out he is ugly after research on Google as I was convinced he was this sexy, not gorgeous but definitely attractive guy throughout the whole gig, I even confessed this to some friends as I couldn’t get my eyes off the guy. You can only imagine my embarrassment and disappointment when I found out he was ugly but I’ve now realized what made me see him as someone he is not. He’s got attitude and that always gets me. He walked on stage smoking his cigarette, he played while doing it, you could see he was having a great time and the hair didn’t hurt either. This and the fact that it was night time thus dark and that I was picturing him with the face of I guy I know who’s just really sweet and fitted the profile when it comes to the hair and smoking makes it all perfectly explained.

For the grand finale I’ve reserved the greatest and most complicated of example, feelings. Have I ever mentioned how I hate feelings sometimes? I mean, I absolutely love to feel but those bastards that emotions are always end up getting the best of me. There are those times in which you are not feeling anything noble and someone comes along, completely misunderstands what you’re going after, gets to thinks you feel something you don’t and you get stuck with a relationship that’s based on a misunderstanding. It’s completely obvious how badly that’s bound to end. Then there are some people how are completely incapable of understanding something you make perfectly clear. It feels like you asked for a chocolate ice-cream and you end up getting a strawberry one, which you’re allergic to. Sometimes the guys who you ask the ice-cream to just seem to be completely stupid or incapable of simply “reading” or observing. This rarely happens amongst women as we as complex individuals are capable of getting the picture just by looking at it for 5 seconds. Nevertheless, my favourites are those feelings you never give away, the ones that make you turn your face because you feel you’re about to cry or that make you not say a word because you’re afraid you won’t choose the right one or even those that make it impossible for you to look into someone’s eyes because you’re convinced that one look will give you away. Everyone has felt like this at least once and if not they will someday. Why are these my favourites? I guess that because they are secret, they are the ones that mean the most to the person who feels them, they are also the ones that can be the most misunderstood: it’s easy to mistake the anger that comes from repressed jealousy with utter hate for someone. Also, as someone who has become unaccustomed to expressing feelings, I guess these are the ones I’m stuck with most of the time. =)


So the message is: when it comes to pretty much everything in your life, even if you think you’re seeing things clearly, the best it’s to always take a second or perhaps even a third look.


P.S.: I just found out that Rob Coombes wasn’t the guy I was looking at, it was Charly Coombes and as a matter of fact he is pretty acceptable, cute and sexy. I am my happy self again! =D

Say Goodbye

Say goodbye
Don’t ever leave unannounced
As if you were never here
And all we lived was just
An illusion that comes to me
In my dreams

If you don’t wanna stay
I won’t be the one
That’ll stand in your way
But I could give you reasons
Yeah, I’ve got countless reasons
Reasons for you to not turn away

Eventually
Probably almost certainly
We’ll all go away
One of these days
When the sun stops shining
When the tide turns
When we’re not the same
‘Cause we stopped being ourselves
Please, don’t change
I can’t promise to stay the same
We still have tonight