Not a bad thing

The complexity of emotions is what prevents a human being from keeping sane whilst being the one thing that truly makes us who we are.
There's just always so much to process that shouldn't be processed. You fall in love and you try to prevent it when it has already happened, you try to deny it when everyone around can tell and unavoidably it will spill out of you one way or another. Through childish behaviour. Through being the most caring person and trying to cater to every need of the object of your affection. Through words, clear or misleading, said while looking into that person's eyes or through words that will never be enough written on a mere piece of paper.
It is not a bad thing to fall in love. Ever. Despite all negative consequences it may have. But it's not a bad thing to fall in love. It will give you that little something that you were missing. That one thing that makes you stupidly see the sun as shining a little bit brighter though it always shines the same way for everyone. You will, still, between four walls feel at your lowest, you will feel alone in a crowd that seems to have what you wanted - someone to love you back. It not about having someone that loves you but that loves you back. It is not a person but that person.
Nevertheless, it is not that person. It is you. Being in love will at the end of the day make you happy. Even when the object of your affection couldn't care less and you wish it wouldn't be like that. Even if that person simply won't know how to cope with it. Even when all of a sudden you fall out of all. Even if you fall in and out of love with someone more often that you would want to. You will always expect something back but that is innate to human nature. But the feeling itself, the capability of falling in love, of being vulnerable enough to be willing to give all you have to someone when you can't predict what that might do to you and you can't calculate the damages or improvements that will that place in your life, is beautiful.
It's not about the person, not about the project, not about a song, not about something but about yourself. It's about being able not to run away from something that is strong enough to make you want to do something about it.

I am in love. Rarest are the moments I can recall in which I wasn't. I am in love with multiple things at once, some times with more than a person at once and there are low moments but it is, at the end of the day, one of the things I'm proudest of in myself - loving regardless of the outcome, loving disregarding all that ever happened before, loving like I've never done it before. And, truth be told be, most days if not every day it will be the reason why you will see a smile on my face.



So don't act like it's a bad thing to fall in love with me because you might fuck around and find your dreams come true with me - Not a bad thing - Justin Timberlake 

Ramblings

Sinto a tua falta. Sento-me no meu sofá, como inequivocamente o faço todos os dias, e só me apetece levantar-me, correr para não sei onde e abraçar-te. Só abraçar-te e sentir-me segura e não sozinha, como me sinto agora. Porque eu ainda me lembro-me de como foi ouvir o teu coração bater.
Apetece-me um abraço mas não o consigo pedir e não o consigo dizer e talvez seja melhor porque já assim só a ideia de o ter já despoleta em mim emoções suficientes.
Sinto a tua falta. Sinto falta de implicar tudo o que fazes porque não consigo admitir que nem se corresses ou te atrasásses to conseguia perdoar.
Todas as vezes que te vi andar à minha frente parecem agora prenúncios de que embora te pudesse ter por perto nunca conseguiria ter-te a meu lado.
Sinto falta do quão viva me sinto à tua beira e não é por virem ao de cima emoções dignas de alguém de 16 anos mas porque sinto que tenho uma parte de mim, daquelas que ando à procura, à minha beira e que não preciso de estar à procura de nada, só preciso de ser.
Ambos sabemos o que queremos, na maioria das vezes, mas não sabemos onde vamos. Quando nos encontrarmos outra vez, porque há coisas que não posso deixar ao acaso, quem sabe se não nos encontramos realmente?

I am too much but I will be enough.

Case of you

You will know when it's time.
You will look at his face and won't be able to bare the half-lies and the poorly kept secret that you've been carrying around with you for what seems like too much time. It was time. You know it in the everyday-not-normal-life coincidences. Though you will never know if it is the right time, if there was ever to exist a right time. Yet, it is time and you will say it, in a way that will have nothing to do with what you imagined, with the million possibilities you have, at some point, pictured in your head.
You will say that falling in and out of love has been a constant thing when the true constant thing is just wanting to reach out and hold him and not let go, when what you ever do is turn away. Falling in love is just a start and not nearly everything. You will write it down in a poorly handwritten note, with poorly scraped words that were just put to paper as well as you stumbled through all your feelings. How do you say "I love you but that is just not nearly close to the complexity of this, love is a small piece of how much I care and how much you mean to me"?
You don't. You will never be able to face him and say those words, not when you avoid looking into his eyes, afraid that something will spill out. Something other than the tears you shed every time you go away because it makes you feel you were never really there. Like everything was just something, a moment that you can't distinguish from real or just another part of your dreams.
You will write it down and lay your heart on his hands. Say goodbye and laugh as if it was nothing, run away from the result. You will leave yet another piece of you behind and, even more so, feel like you will never be complete. You will think that you had nothing to lose but feel like the exact opposite.
You won't know what to say then. You won't know, you simple just don't know. So you write to yourself to keep yourself from going the slightest bit more insane.
I know that it may mean nothing. But everything means so much to me. I hold on close to everything everyone has ever given me. I hold on to memories because I can't hold on to the people. I select the good moments to erase the fact that there's no way to be sure I'll make things go my way when I don't even know which way that is. I will remember the moments when I was sure that, in some mysterious way, you understood me better than no one else to forget the fact that “Having never discovered qualities in myself that might attract someone else, I could never believe that anyone felt attracted to me.”
I will have the good things and hope that what was ever good won't be tainted by my feelings.
You will know when it is time to gather the courage to face the fact that words on a paper are sometimes more than just words but means, which lead, always, to some sort of result.

Don't you know that when you fuck it up I'll move in to another country.