Choice

I never had anyone to take care of me. I never saw that as a problem, it was a way for me to show that I can handle my problems and be strong enough to always move forward without having someone holding me through. Yet, sometimes, being all by yourself gets lonely.

Guess I was taught to be like this, a person who plays it safe for fearing so much the possibility of getting hurt; it's what I've always seen, it was shown to me as the result of giving too much of yourself to someone. So I've grown to be this seemingly cold person, who has trouble showing emotion, who sees crying in public as an humiliation for her and who goes through a lot of internal struggle just to be able to give a meaningful hug to someone.

I know how I got to be like this but I really wish I weren't this way. The thought of crying itself doesn't torment me, it was never a problem for me to cry and I do it often: when I hear someone sing so beautifully that it strikes something in me to cry, when I see something extremely beautiful or even when something is wrong with someone. I just don't seem to be able to cry for myself, as if it was the ultimate proof of weakness.

I've always needed to be strong and able to fend for myself.

These days I've been trying to grow softer and to be able to trust people. I really wish there were people around me that I could trust with my life. I have people I can trust but none I feel I could totally depend on. It's not something easy to find and it is not something a lot of people would want. And if I ever were to say to someone "I trust you with my life" it would be easy to understand if that someone fled with the fear of such responsibility. Maybe I should act like the grown woman that I am and abandon these ideas just to get back to the time when taking care of myself all by myself was natural and the only choice.

However, the truth is that I've always said that I don't need a saviour because I can save myself but, from time to time, it'd be nice to have a choice.