When I'm tired - 11/12/2008

Once I got up and started running
Reaching for the end of the world
Then I fell on my face and felt like crying
I guess the world was just too big for me

Then I felt I should go smaller
Know my city and see what followed
I got lost in the dark allies of the town
And was scared of all that was around



The truth was I was tired of it all. That’s why I felt like running. I was running from myself as I’m used to do; I’ve done it all my life. But eventually I get tired of running away, I tell myself I have to face the reality, as it is said “get up and smell the coffee”.

Gosh, so many useless things that I do! Like trying to smile when I’m sad; people can always see through my smiles, even the most cynical and convincing ones.
I’m so fed up with trying to come up with guidelines to my own life. I can’t set goals if I know I’ll never meet them, a control freak that when it comes to herself gives up on the easiest stuff, like doing what I don’t like. In my search for the deepest things in life I’m losing my mind along the way. I’m confused and confusing and it obviously shows.

I’m tired of getting attached to people that will leave like others did and hurt me on the way. I’m tired of trying to live peacefully and have people talking shit and worrying me. I’m tired of not being sure of who I am and of never feeling content with what I’m given. I’m tired of knowing I’m such a dependent creature when I feel I should be on my own. I’m tired of messing things up for others just because I can’t hold my tongue. I’m tired of longing for big cities or cornfields and always being stuck in the same place. I’m tired of feeling that my life won’t go anywhere.
I’m tired of hurting me by doing things I know I’ll always do.

I’m tired of missing, thinking, waking, running, laughing, crying, smiling, frowning, bitching, whining, loving, hating, worrying, leaving, arriving, living... But I don’t want to die because I love life too much.

I’m tired of writing.


11/12/2008

Obsession

I’m always trying not to think
‘Cause that can’t make me get
Everything that you do
(Which) Isn’t done out of common sense
And at times I wish I was not
The one who serves as a mirror
I’m not the same person as you

Hate you for knowing me better
Than at times I know myself but still
You just can’t seem to see
What’s right in front of you
Hate you for making me feel like this
Lost at see, lost for words
I’ve said them over and over again
But you won’t listen

I don’t love you
That time is long gone
And I don’t want to be with you
I just can’t help to think of what it could be
If you simply, for just one day, didn’t think everything through
And let your f****** life just happen

Now I’m the one who’s obsessive and I can’t stop wondering...
You have to give everything a chance at least just once...
And I’ll take the wheel even if it means to step against my own rules just to know what it would feel like... Sooner or later... (“Guess you better go and get your armour”)

CAT POEM

They will not go quietly,
the cats who've shared our lives.
In subtle ways they let us know
their spirit still survives.

Old habits still make us think
we hear a meow at the door.
Or step back when we drop
a tasty morsel on the floor.

Our feet still go around the place
the food dish used to be,
And, sometimes, coming home at night,
we miss them terribly.

And although time may bring new friends
and a new food dish to fill,
That one place in our hearts
belongs to them. . . and always will.

by Linda Barnes