Choice

I never had anyone to take care of me. I never saw that as a problem, it was a way for me to show that I can handle my problems and be strong enough to always move forward without having someone holding me through. Yet, sometimes, being all by yourself gets lonely.

Guess I was taught to be like this, a person who plays it safe for fearing so much the possibility of getting hurt; it's what I've always seen, it was shown to me as the result of giving too much of yourself to someone. So I've grown to be this seemingly cold person, who has trouble showing emotion, who sees crying in public as an humiliation for her and who goes through a lot of internal struggle just to be able to give a meaningful hug to someone.

I know how I got to be like this but I really wish I weren't this way. The thought of crying itself doesn't torment me, it was never a problem for me to cry and I do it often: when I hear someone sing so beautifully that it strikes something in me to cry, when I see something extremely beautiful or even when something is wrong with someone. I just don't seem to be able to cry for myself, as if it was the ultimate proof of weakness.

I've always needed to be strong and able to fend for myself.

These days I've been trying to grow softer and to be able to trust people. I really wish there were people around me that I could trust with my life. I have people I can trust but none I feel I could totally depend on. It's not something easy to find and it is not something a lot of people would want. And if I ever were to say to someone "I trust you with my life" it would be easy to understand if that someone fled with the fear of such responsibility. Maybe I should act like the grown woman that I am and abandon these ideas just to get back to the time when taking care of myself all by myself was natural and the only choice.

However, the truth is that I've always said that I don't need a saviour because I can save myself but, from time to time, it'd be nice to have a choice.

Fear

I’ve been waiting

Patiently, maybe even foolishly

For any signs of decision

Any form of commitment

While you’ve been hiding

Avoiding every hopeful glance

Every affectionate gesture

Every loving kiss

 

I walk the streets

Counting the stones as the days that have gone by

I’ve been counting on you for every first step

Counting and recalling every restless night

Every night spent waiting for us to be together

Every minute spent, the early morning

Deciding what to do, wondering if this is the right thing to do

Getting the nerve to say those words

The ones that live under my tongue

In the back of my mind

I love you

 

The time has come for someone to step up

In a while it will be too late

And your fear, your uncomfortable memories

Have been keeping you from acting

Or have I just dreamt of the glimpse of love you too feel?

Isn’t it real?

 

Fighting back any tear that might come

I struggle and I too have been fearing

I can’t bear the remote idea of losing you

When I don’t have you, you’re not mine

I care, probably more than I should

But isn’t it love, to foolishly and blindly care

Without promises of anything in return?

 

I don’t want to lose you

Give me some reassurance

I need to believe

Don’t go away

Why can’t you believe?

Can’t we try?

 

 

 

Thought every time I’m falling in love, a date can’t be defined (yes, it is actually almost always like this)

I Miss You

 I’ve been watching days go by with the calmness of someone who has nothing more to do, nothing more that could make the change that’d be necessary.

The weather itself hasn’t been helping; this rain seems to carry sadness and I can’t help but to give in to some brief moments of slight and stupid depression, joining the rain with some tears.

There is only one thing that’s able to make me smile regardless of everything that may be around; you, the only exception. The reason why I’ve grown much softer and nicer lately, the reason why even when I get angry, into an argument or cry I still do it with some sort of a smile on my face. I couldn’t explain all that I feel even if I wanted to, I just know that I’m better now that I feel this way and I’m almost certain that this is the first time that falling in love has made me a better person and not just tad more stupid and mellow.

I love you, in this sort of really calm and mature way, probably because I’ve always adored you this is just a combination of it and the typical romantic infatuation at the age of 20. And I believe it is more than clear that I want you. Therefore I’ve been missing you lately. I miss those moments for which I’d wait hours, when there’s no one around. I miss being able to look into your eyes and feeling embarrassed because I feel you can see how fragile and happy I feel. I miss it all. And I wish all of this didn’t scare you and hope that you know that all these feelings do not influence my decisions and I sincerely wish that they’ll never influence yours in a negative way.

Meanwhile, I’ll keep on hearing the raindrops and missing you, waiting…

 

“And up until now I had sworn to myself that I was content with loneliness, because none of it was ever worth the risk, but you, are, the only exception.

I’ve got a tight grip on reality but I can’t let go of what's in front of me here I know your leaving in the morning, when you wake up, leave me with some proof it’s not a dream”  The Only Exception (Paramore)